Welcome to EWWW / Bienvenido a OOOOOF.
1. The sunsets look like this everywhere, right? Boring.
Sunset over the Miami skyline.
2. The only thing to do there is go to cheesy nightclubs. Everyone knows this.
3. If you’re not a beach person, you’re out of luck, because there’s NOTHING else to do there.
4. No one there even reads.
A look at the annual Miami Book Fair International.
5. The people are shallow. They only care about clubbing and shopping and getting a tan.
2006 immigration rally.
6. And it’s just all… the same. You’ve seen one palm tree, you’ve seen âem all. Zzzzzzzzzz!
Multi-colored bougainvillea at Fairchild Tropical Garden.
7. People there basically subsist on overpriced cocktails.
A beautiful little jolt of Cuban coffee.
8. It’s positively swarming with gators!
Watch out! It’s the dreaded(edly adorable) Florida manatee.
9. The official bird of South Florida is the mosquito, or so I’ve gathered from many a Facebook joke.
Peacocks roam streets and rooftops alike across Miami.
10. Not to mention all the corny “tourist traps.”
A nighttime view of the Vizcaya mansion.
11. Rumor has it that the only songs that play there are by Will Smith or LMFAO.
A music-themed mural in Little Havana.
12. Yup, just “Welcome to Miami,” blaring from every corner.
Boukman Eksperyans perform at Big Night in Little Haiti.
13. It’s an ugly, plastic area.
Vine-covered oak branches reach out to one another across Coral Way.
14. It’s just so… tacky.
Miami’s iconic Freedom Tower, the “Ellis Island of the South.”
15. The art scene there is just an excuse for pretentious people to throw parties.
16. The food there is gross and boring and I want to vom just thinking about it. YUCK.
A Cuban frita from El Rey de las Fritas, Colombian patacón and empanada at Bolivar, and a Trinidadian-spiced curry roti roll from Christine’s Roti Kitchen.
17. The Miami area simply lacks any sense of history.
Miami Beach’s Holocaust Memorial.
18. It’s aggressively basic, with no sense of originality or weirdness.
The mysterious Coral Castle was built with over 1,100 tons of coral rock quarried, carved, and assembled through unknown means by one man, Edward Leedskalnin, as a monument to his lost love. Or it was built by aliens. One can never be too sure.
19. Everything has to be loud and showy! There’s no place for quiet moments.
The view from the Deering Estate at sunset.